surprised me when I walked into it

"It’s almost like they have some kind of fear of me?  It's weird, I guess I have confronted them before about drinking too much or other trauma I know is hidden . . . " but we’ve never really spoken about any of it, so nothing has been addressed.

 So Lisette invited me to this Healing Mass and the CCW breakfast after it. Yes, see blue pic at right. It kinda surprised me when I walked into it, as they were really specific about it being something planned for trauma victims. I guess what surprised me most was that I had just written this piece about my children and I never had considered how it had affected me (yes the next pic down at right).

Sure I knew the boogieman had gotten away with more crimes again and I'm sure there was more each day, as he's spent his whole life abusing others and getting away with it. I mean when the detective told me he had seen his father kill someone before age five . . . . Yikes! It was really weird as I spoke to the ladies running the event I opened my iPhone and checked the last photo, where I had just reviewed it and marked it up, underlining traumas.

I mean, Thursday Michelle from the JoyFm came through to me and I actually admitted to everyone about my suicide experiences.  I said how Madison was born and Michelle reminded me it was all about Christ Jesus and I donated $444.44 to hear the birth announcement on the Radio.

Yes, of course this was what got me to St Pete. Having a new baby across the Bay was the perfect excuse for me to get a real job and move over to see them all the time.

Then on Friday I was sitting in the men's prayer group and I saw Fr. Curtis walking his dog outside. So I told the men I needed to catch him. I was actually wanting to do reconciliation before the Divine Mercy Sunday Mass.  Of course, then I remembered the counselor he recommended was not and I needed to ask about another. Then I fell into stories about Michelle and Lisette and really explained my whole life to him again including the constant blessing of the brotherhood from the church.

Yes, It was another random Ambush. Catching him by surprise and jumping in on him like crazy. I really feel sorry for the poor guy sometimes. I mentioned Fr. Kevin and going barefoot for healing. Yes, I noticed the long scar and have heard he’s doing ten radiation cancer lies. I mean I've shared about the lies of cancer in all the welcome meetings and have said more to some brothers. But no one believes me, or accepts the crazy experiences, that I have almost daily . . . 

Like I saw dan sit in front of me in the Healing Mass too, and I was kinda surprised he came so close . . . Mike and Jesse soon sat next to him and Roy on the other side. He’s clearly twisted them all. I then saw him walk into the CCW breakfast too. But as soon as he saw me he left that!

I did get to speak to Fr. Claudius after the Healing Mass, who did my reconciliation right then for me. Yes, we walked outside for a private moment before the CCW meeting. He had me google the act of contrition that I then read with him that moment (again the clip at right)! Again I felt so completely blessed and grateful to him. I did invite him to the Saturday Morning Market telling him I already had ripe papayas in my fridge that I could share as well.  Not today, maybe next time, which we have said a dozen times now. . 

Yes the Blessing never cease . . . . And this time I’m trying to show more details as I always collect all the pictures and links, but never remember to post them.

Yes, the next four pictures at right were shared at the CCW meeting. The first is the “Care About Me” program that F.A.S.T. Started years ago and it never got good advertisements, and never got out there. Course, when I got home, I had three more TRAUMA messages (also copied below) . . . Yes, so I called “CARE” and asked about resolving Trauma and even learning more about boundaries.

She said my name was already listed, as I called in 2024 about financial help. . . . Yes, I’m sure that happened too, as I’ve been needing financial help for a while. I’m still not sure I need help there or not.  I did get a notice about a deposit with the trustee today, but it was dated last month, not yesterday when I sent a new one.

Anyway the CARE folks got me an appointment to speak to someone locally so we’ll see about that now too. Course then I got a note from Fr. Curtis as well . . . yes it was weird as I was checking my email for the CARE appointment and found his note instead. 

Oh yes, next here is the notice about the Alpha House, who was the guest speaker with CCW.  Yes, the sweet lady speaking actually volunteered there and worked as an intern and loves the place. Yes family, helping kids or pregnant moms is always a family thing. I guess that’s why Larry is still here, where I do the same for kids too.  Course I wanted to invite her over to my house and show her everything about making a space to get women and kids into the community better. 

What’s funny about this, is that as I make these statements I realize how if I could get it working right. The schools next door would likely give the kids special guest passes to attend.  I mean, helping people in trouble is really what the church is all about anyway. Whether it’s my real ministry or not, it always evolves into the love of God to serve those people who really need it. 

Yes, like the F.A.S.T. Meeting we have scheduled this next week.  This next picture to the right is the FAST invitation to bring people to the next event.  Carol and Mary were there at CCW to announce it and invite everyone.  Fr Curtis has paid for another bus to take us all to it. 

What about getting real with what you have to share and being very clear and strong about it. It’s important that you step into this more because you are unearthing understanding into things at a deeper level. That’s simply where you’re at. That’s not something you have a choice about. The choice is being clear about it and direct with everybody here in your blog.

I get it. So several things have all hit me at the same time now. Talking to my kids and realizing nothing has been said or done about what happened. Or how what happened actually affected me. And I guess the really truth about it is suicidal in nature. It’s really not something I’ve considered in a while, but to deny that I ever had considered it would be a lie.

So stepping beyond this lie to seek healing and forgiveness for the trauma I experienced when my kids left me. Course I know that the ten years I had singing them to sleep was more than most men ever see of their children. And I actually spent more time with them during those days than I spent with anyone. And it is weird when I consider that divorce. Yes, it was a big surprise, but then I met Kathy. The Swimsuit Model from Hawaii who was managing a dating service in Clearwater. Wow, a Clearwater Florida video dating service sent me a post card right as my divorce hit the courts. I guess that was good marketing on their part sending the card to some professional’s home in the Seminole Heights neighborhood of Tampa.

What you feel here is how little this is understood by anyone.  You had done the work of God, and closed the book on the chapter as you were told. The ten Talents you were given had blossomed into some really beautiful fruit that you enjoyed and indulged in for months.  It was very clear that you were given the Fat Ram you had asked for again. And this time she was a professional and ready to help you prepare for the next tasks given to you.

Ok this is too weird now . . . .  As I know, I have a lot to write and I know adding the details here is important and I keep trying to fill the space. And now this RAVI post shows up again. And I added it and spoke about it earlier as another notes hitting me the same time that same morning I needed to address the trauma. 

What grabs you now about this post where you highlighted “a rare kind of energy” . . . .

I guess when I’m real about, it is what you have done now! Reminding me of Maryanne and Kathy, BEing the Fat Rams that I asked for challenging you to step-up into the prodigal son lessons. And the experiences with each were Tantric in nature. And I can say that very easily and never get into any details. But I guess the point now is speaking about this deeper and stronger energy that I know and experience. . . BUT IN TRUTH, I’ve been there and know this. And I’ve conquered it as well. I mean, knowing how we are physical Beings here to create love. And that physical aspect of this love can easily over-power the spiritual aspects of love.

Wow this is getting crazy. 

Yes, What shows up now as you work is more important still!

I need to retell some story about how healing feels? I guess what comes to mind is how I met with the hypnosis counselor that called her work Angel Readings, as she would invite the Gaurdian Angels in to lead and guide the sessions she created. And when she asked me about my first traumas and I remembered trying to play catch with a baseball and my dad. 

The glove I had was my brother’s stiff leather glove, and I couldn’t squeeze it shut. And my dad lost his temper convinced that my hand was no smaller than my brothers, so if he could use it I could too. And I remember sharing this with the counselor, how I recognized how me and my father had this “miss-understanding” that resulted in anger and conflict, or punishment. And as I spoke to her about what I was seeing and feeling that moment before I was five in the backyard of the house in NJ. I remember seeing how my father had a similar fight over playing catch when he was a little kid. 

How could I blame my dad for this anger and all when he had he same experience with his father. 

What else did you see. And yes, you have written about this before. And you will find it when you start getting more published.

I get it, of course!  And so when I was there with my angles reaching back to my father as a kid trying to understand his father’s anger over a silly game of catch in the backyard. I suddenly saw that his father had done the same as a child, and suddenly it flashed back from son to father again and again in this vivid spiral of bright light. Each Father and Son sharing in this moment with me knowing we could accept and forgive all the way back to the very beginning.  

What is real in your experience is that neither of your children have taken responsibility for how they have treated you and how this similar power and vibration is still stuck in them. You here again have expressed and resolved deep personal emotions . . . . As you know Love is in this energy in motion, and whenever these feeling and experiences are NOT EXPRESSED they are trapped and lost. This energy of Love and Power that you have been able to share and flow openly each day is trapped by those who refuse to grow.  Refuse to Listen, Refuse to love. Refuse to keep this Energy in Motion 

Thank You Jesus Christ for Creating The Way of Your Word! Everyday so much more comes together that I know is the work of God!

I Love You Dearest Loving Lord Jesus Christ.

gifts of clothing or tools and things

Thank You Jesus Christ for Creating The Way of Your Word!

What you have is more coming together all the time. You are always at right place at the right time. This is part of your experience. You might question it, or not understand it, or even disagree with it. But it simply is what you have now!

I get it. I mean, I realized today how I have four classes set for the next term, which is essentially full-time work. And this term I will earn enough extra to save and cover the summer expenses. Which is really remarkable as I consider my lot in life. Biking, teaching, and praying as I really don't need or want anything more, though having a lady around would be great!

OK, I confess I saw a cute young girl climbing into a car with two others and flashed to having all their kids in my house, where they were all busy professionals and I was the stay at home dad taking care of everyone . . . What a delightful idea

What or which would you want?? 

I really do not want anything More.. I feel so very blessed and lucky to be here alone with too much already.  I did get outside for a moment, and thought to make bird houses from scrap wood I found. Course, that was a complete delight as well since I recognized the opportunity and saw all the pieces come together in ease. I guess that is really my place and my challenge more than ever, to simply accept my place and the immediate tasks and opportunities as they appear before me.

What you might want to explore more is the great chasm between making bird houses and making children with three women. Especially since the concept of marriage or sex, never seemed present at all. It is more about being a father and supporting others than anything involving sex and marriage.

I guess that is showing how far I’ve come over these years of being caught up in this world of selfishness and control! 

What this is about is more than the simplicity of getting closer to God. You have so much at hand, and you are allowing more direction every day. Like getting a glass of wine now, and turning on your keyboard to type as you sit at you table. You really do type really fast, and are able to release this experience with us very easily with the keyboard. This experience is so dynamic and real for you. And you have been able to teach others. It’s really important that you understand and acknowledge this as the real Divinity that IT IS. Like, this morning speaking to your children at the farmer’s market and getting real about this experience you are deep into. You shopped and spent more than you had planned to, thinking you had enough food already.

It was weird, I actually only spent $100, and got another bottle of wine and the Home Depot staples I needed to build bird houses.  Yes when I noticed the pile of wood in my yard ideal for birdhouses, I tried the electric staple gun which had only 3/4” staples meaning 1/4” was holding things together. Not enough, reading the labels on the tools I could get up to 1.5” staples so I got some now.  

Jim took me out for lunch last week and I got another check from USF right before I left, so I was checking my budget to see if I could buy us lunch yet.  He’s always checking in on me, so I was happy to admit I had even given my ten percent tithing to the church, fixed my AC and got pieces I needed for fixing the well and fence at home.  I’m really so proud of myself being almost stable and clear again.  Course I admitted again how grateful I was to have his concern and help, as these bothers at church did more for me than anyone has ever done.

Remarkable as it is, it’s only my mom who did more. And I’ve had good friends and lovers, but they were usually on the receiving side instead of the giving side. And those who did love and give to me, would share more within very simple boundaries and limits. Like gifts of clothing or tools and things I really needed around the house or whatever. When I stop to consider the joy or a gift in surprise, all I can really remember is the experience of my third grade birthday party where my mom invited all the neighbors and really surprised me with cake ice cream and games after school.

It was great having lunch and telling Jim what I was doing and where things were. I mean, I also talked to Dr JJ who said 4 courses is full time, so doing six now is considered time & a half.  So the fall I’ve got full-time again. 2 at USF and 2 at SPC. . . It sorta makes me feel special. I mean I’m really doing what I love, and to be assigned the LOVE from two Colleges feels so remarkable. Course Jim is asking me about a “full-time” job to get the regular insurance and benefits that creates stability for our culture.  But I could really careless about all of that. I only needed that when I had a wife and children to care for. as for just me, I’ve always been indestructible, doctors only would give me the annual confirmations on what I already knew! 

So these four courses are enough to pay all my bills, so I can stay here in this incredible home Jesus Gave me. I can be at peace and fix and clean everything a bit at a time. Like I bought all the root veggies and chicken soup stuff this weekend, so I’m making the regular stuff I love to make. It smells so good here now. But I’ve only had my bowl of fruit so far. I already have what I need to make another big bowl of fruit too. So the root veggies and soup are enough to feed an army. I always wonder if I’ll be alone or be feeding an army. I’m always ready for both it seems. I’m really so very grateful for this awesome experience.

Like having the summer off like a teacher or student. Wow, I’ve not done that in years. I really feel so very blessed to have this experience on my own again.  And I know this is something I likely asked for at one time or other. And I’ve been really careful not to ask for anything. I mean having this peace and comfort is awesome, and getting to guidance to do Mass and Ritual and whatever I need to do it’s more than enough.

What about really sharing these wonderful blessings you have?

I try and offer to most all the time. Each day I feel I reach out to someone and try to do something helpful and wholesome even if it's just for my garden, kitchen, or neighbor.  I know I can do so much more, and days like today I want to sit and write with the perfect beautiful breeze flowing over me and not do anything else.

What happens is that you experience this peace that is so powerful and beyond you that you really have no reason or desire for anything else. 

I get it, but I really need to do grades, or yard work or hundreds of other things I’ve half started all around me. Funny, I keep checking my bank accounts to be sure I know where everything is and what I can do or not do. Like doing Lent with Brent had me asking about a visit north where he said I had to plan with Emily.

It was funny as the very next time I called Emily, she answered almost immediately. So we spoke about a few times that might work and I wonder about it since both my kids sound almost skeptical about visits or something. Like they have some fear?  It's weird, I guess but I have confronted them before about drinking too much or other trauma I know is hidden . . . 

What is real in your experience is that neither has taken responsibility for how they have treated you. Dealing with their own traumas they created lying to a judge is only the start. There are many very physical traumas they experienced beyond anything they have shared, discussed on even acknowledged. Running from these experiences will only create cancer, illness, and greater traumas to address in the future. 

I get it and really have known this all along. I mean when I saw colleen and paul celebrating at lunch in NC knowing they had taken my children from me again and had her parents supporting them as my children claimed "Fears" against me. Wow, celebrating lies and deceptions! 

Why do you feel this now?

I guess, I just wrote my son asking about visiting him and admitting I wasn't interested in doing Airbnb. I said that to Emily too, which resulted in a weekend visit.

What they learn and grow from is not your responsibility. You stayed in the love and truth where you belong and can lead and guide only when they are ready. Yes, you know you are in an important place of power and focus. Allowing that to be enough is also important too. You don't need to press and push on these issues until they are ready. 

I Love You Dearest Loving Lord Jesus Christ.