another day?

Thank You Jesus Christ for Creating The Way of Your Word!

What do you think now?

It's the New Moon!  Stepping into something new is rightfully appropriate for me, but I'm kinda stressed out a bit too much still.  I think about this new year and how much everything came together all of a sudden.  I was surprised and prepared.  I mean, it was easy to expect the best, but now months later to see nothing at all, is kinda weird.  I continue to move along, and try to do what seems valuable for me to do.  But it all gets tiring and stressful.

What do you mean?

It like the home situation!  I feel like things are great and moving along.  We have friends over and plant more outside, making progress instead of just talking about it.  But then I hear that this is not enough and things are really bad and stressful.  It's so annoying, as I can not do everything, and keeping up with the inside is more than enough ; ; ; especially as I know I need to write and explore other things elsewhere instead.  Debating issues is more critical than ever.  I know where I fit and what I can write.  But then I'm told it's wrong and I need to write something else?  Hold it the last piece is not done yet, and it would be great to publish.  But now I move on and the last is lost. . . a few weeks and it's out of date and useless instead of a valuable current piece ready to print.

What do you feel there?

It almost feels like someone is trying to force me into being subordinate, instead of allowing my skills to shine!  I get this feeling all the time.  Like Friday I showed up at the meeting I was invited to and sat next to the guy setting up all the classes.  He had worked on projects before with me and we had spoken a lot.  But then ignored the class I submitted and apparently is copying it to use elsewhere, since he never said hello, or even acknowledged I was there.  Why would a good friend or recognized peer avoid me?  Well, its a point of integrity.  If he was copying my work to help someone else, his normal response in public would be avoidance.  I mean I never thought of them copying my class, while I know everyone has copied me since I came here.  It is something that has happened over and over again.   So what's new!   And then when personal integrity is in question, avoidance is the easy way out.

What about getting more out then?

It's not easy to keep putting out and putting out and putting out!  Like teaching and leading the little people.  Everyone knows and acknowledged that I made everything work for them.  Set them into a space of power and growth, but now I'm forgotten.  No time for me, it's history.  Sure I made all the future possible and set the space for all these things to grow and evolve, but it's nothing now.  They are all stepping on to bigger and better, so no need to step back in gratitude or anything.  Like all those others who have copied my work and used my break to make it out on their own. . . 

What if that's all you were ever set to do?

It's fine, as then I would continue to get the support and help that I need.  I know I need to trust and allow this, but I'm just tired.  Tired of fighting, tired of struggling to get something more done while I've done so much already.  It's so stressful to always be pushing. . .  I Love You Dearest Loving Lord Jesus Christ.