A visitor

Thank You Jesus Christ for Creating The Way of Your Word! 239pm

What happened today?

I stopped by to visit Beth and Pam, they had left some things at my house Monday. Then I stopped by the office and they hadn't moved yet, waiting until Monday. So I went to the library and all the comfy seats were taken so I came here to the bookstore Starbucks instead. So I got online and checked my email. And then I thought to check my PC at home so I logged into it too and someone sent me a IM note there . . . She had been reading my blog, and wrote to say "hi."

Then she asked me about STARS and helping kids and said how she reads this blog over with some friends . . .

What's that?

I know using the IM is so cool, since I can check what she wrote EXACTLY, instead of guessing on a memory or some interpretation . . . lol . . . "[Thursday, July 27,2006 12:32:PM] me amd my friends read it and laugh because its funny how REAL you are"

Hum, makes me want to check out these numbers . . . what's Thursday?? M1, T2, W3, R4... hum so Thursday, July 27,2006 12:32:PM is 4, 7 27, 2006 12:32 => combining each one first: 4, 7, 27, 2006, 12, 32 = 4 7 9 8 3 5 => then combine by two's second 11 17 8 => then there is only three so 2 8 8 . . . . 18 => 9 . . . Which is really neato . . . completion cycles How appropriate . . . . and I love nines anyway, since they are 3x3 . . . and three 3's is better than one 3 . . . lol. . . Like the ONE isn't enough already. . . lol. . . we needed all three to figure it out here. . .

Why's that?

I guess everything this week has been about some major shift from the old to the new. . . Completions that You've made clear to me. . . WOW, all getting MORE REAL!!!

And then last Thursday when we met I said how I had blogged about it and so I had to read it to them. And they said it was cool how "real" I was in my blog too. So today I said how weird to have someone say the blog was "real," since I seem to be the same way all the time too me. I mean it's sometimes easier to write than talk, and I always prefer emails to phones so I can get the important stuff out there accurately instead of getting lost in some rambling, distracted by all the energy I build up with someone. Course a conversation wont have any typos thou. . . lol . . And if it's a lady I'm attracted to, I want the conversation more than anything so I CAN get lost in all the energy!!!

But I can never start a conversation like that. No one can be real anymore. . . we all have this fake role we play. It's always such a struggle when it's someone I'm really attracted to. So maybe it is a struggle because I am so real? Like too real? But then I'm never very emotional and when speaking everyone says I always seem to ramble on about nothing, never really getting to the emotions that connect to people. Course I know I ramble a lot when I write too. And I guess it's trying to express emotions instead of really feeling them and letting them express as they are . . . oh weird, writing feelings is as hard as expressing them as they are . . .

Wow do I like really avoid expressing emotions?

What do you think we are always asking you? We have to ask over and over before you get real about what you are really feeling.

I guess so. Which kinda reminds me about the 4th, when I rode my bike home thinking it was just too good to be true. "How could anyone really understand me?" Which was what I felt when I read the #9 message above. "What people can actually understand me?"

SHIT PLEASE TELL ME!!! . . . lol . . . Like I never have any clue at all!

But I knew how I felt the 4th.

And just the understanding was enough to make such a strong love. I mean she could almost ask me anything and I couldn't hesitate. And I knew it was my own choice and my own feelings that made it happen. None of this would mean anything to her. She's struggling to understand herself still. Wow while I've always just dominated myself, and have seen and dealt with her struggles countless times!

WOW, this is really too weird.

What else did you find now?

Today we talked about how sometimes we just don't want to call anyone or do anything and then just feel guilty for being lazy and get down on ourselves. Course I said how I accepted that all life is like a sine wave, and we always have the ups and downs. So when I'm bored at home being lazy, it is really as valuable as any other time since we need a rest and chill time too . . . and I said how soon we'll be on the top of the wave crest again running around like crazy . . . so the chill times are necessary too. I always say how it's the calm before the storm! Since I know this chill time is nothing compared to the chaos I see all the rest of the time!!!

Course as we spoke I thought about taking months and years to chill, and never feeling guilty since I know I aint going anywhere and nothing can happen without me anyway . . . lol . . . wow that's so fucking arrogant . . . Which explains why I never said it . . . lol . . . BUT, I LOVE IT, my life, of course nothing will happen without me in my life . . . lol . . . and even said how I wanted to go out and eat to chill now tonight. Which really is like the perfect chill-time for me, since I don't have to cook and can have someone do everything for me just the way I like it. . .

I left school at about 4.30 and I went to the Outback again. The Amberback keg was even fresh . . . lol . . . They don't have wireless, so I blogged in word. But now at home I need to rewrite it all over again . . . lol . . . I forgot to save it or something??? Ok, I confess since the 4th I've blogged in word a bit, since things were getting too intense.

What's that?

I met someone who understood me on the 4th. She's really cute too, but going through hell and struggling to come to terms with a breakup and all kinds of shit. But we connected and she understood me perfectly no mater what I said. So like message #9 above I was just totally floored on the 4th. Like understands me?? Is that finally possible again?

What's the feelings?

I know, I know! So on the 4th when she understood, I was just falling over myself, and loving the sensations inside of me. I told her we needed to get married and start having kids. Course she laughed asking if I heard the reading Chris gave her earlier. . . So then I had to admit how the connection and understanding was so awesome for me that several times through the night when I looked into her eyes, I felt into so much and just wanted to kiss her.

She was flattered, and said I was brave to even tell her that. But it was clear that couldn't happen to both of us.

What DID YOU FEEL?

SO ANYWAY, when I rode my bike home on the 4th after this wild conversation all night I felt totally in Love with this person. And I LOVED how it felt! I just felt really good inside. And of course I know she's busy in hell for now, so whatever I feel aint going to involve her. But as I rode . . . wow, this is funny too. . . we've shared a few bike rides since then . . . But now it feels like the first moment down the hill to my house as I let go of the handle bars and sit back on my bike to feel the wind through me . . .

FEEL What???

I know! I guess it's just the SAME LOVE and JOY that I feel NOW as I play in this BLOG with YOU, RIGHT NOW! It just gets so intense! SO CLEAR... AND REAL!

aaaahhh good, Whatelse?

I just felt so wonderful! I mean, I know where she was at, we all have to go there sooner or later. And I can honor that as it is, no problem. I can even help out, or be here for her as she deals. . . but what was so cool as I felt the wind through the trees going home I just KNOW it was ALWAYS MY CHOICE!!

I decided I could be IN love and I could know the fantasy of Family and Children again. And I could just savor that in myself. And nothing would ever become of it, EXCEPT I FEEL WONDERFUL!!!! And that was important for me and maybe enough for now.

What esle did you write about your kids at dinner?

oh, since the 4th we've biked a bit and talked a lot more. So this one time talking about God only knows what . . . I remembered when Emily and Christopher were born and how I was there with them the day they left Christ to be born to us. Like coming from the spiritual world into the Earth like we all do. And I PRAYED with them to Christ. Even Chanted with my daughter "I love you Lord Jesus, I love you Lord Jesus, I love you Lord Jesus, I love you Lord Jesus, I love you Lord Jesus" as she was in the NICU. . .

And so I realized that I had this total understanding and Spiritual Connection with my children that was so AWESOME. Like they never left GOD, and ALWAYS kept that Spirit ALIVE with me and themselves. Funny I remember when the shit started with Emily and Christopher was fighting it all the time and one night he told me he couldn't hear my mother as much anymore.

I mean, mom said she was leaving to watchout for them. Though I really had no clue what they were dealing with . . . lol . . . Ok sure I knew exactly what it was, and even told them! But they just thought they had enough power to control it. . . lol . . . guess we all have our lessons. . .

What did you need to write about tonight?

I have no clue of course... so I went back to the beginning to read what I wrote. . . and that nine is really strong
4, 7 27, 2006 12:32 = 4 + 7 + 27 + 2006 + 12 + 32 = 2088 = 2+0+8+8=18 => 9
4 7 9 8 3 5 => 27 = 9
11 17 8 => 36=9
2 8 8 = 18 => 9

What's "completion" all about with the 4th?

I remember riding away thinking how awesome it would be to be in love with someone who wanted kids, and a relationship, but not the "ball & chain" bs from our culture. I mean no control freak BS about "she's my property now" or any of the unconscious crap people put on relationships. But just a love and respect and understanding of the truth there . . . . creating true family again . . .

What was the FEELING?

I know, so I felt like completion! I guess I felt like I was ready to fall in Love again and I was ready to finish all this stuff that I do. Oh daaa . . . I FELT YOU WERE BACK!

We really never left you. But you found and felt how that life of Love and Freedom could exist in you NOW and YOU CHOSE to make it REAL!

I guess so. I mean I really have felt more grounded and connected to a whole lot more lately. 12.01am wow.... Feels like "Completion" again . . .

What do you need?

I never really need anything BUT YOU! Oh I guess I need to get my paper done, and get to sleep now, and find a lover, instead of just falling . . . lol . . . like the Russian chick that I knew never was really there.

What else?

I need You to Fill us with Your Strength Power and Wisdom so we may Fulfill Your Glory!
I Love You Dearest Loving Lord Jesus Christ. Thank You for BEing!
Amen.