I am not afraid of anything. Thank You Jesus Christ for Creating The Way of The Word!

What ?

I'm tired of the struggle. And I'm starting to fear what pops into my mind sometimes. The Black Mountian episode comes to mind. I know I can do anything and I know there is nothing that can stop me. . . but I'm tired of the headaches and challenges. Yes they are good to make me strong and successful sometimes. But it's just not healthy to always be fighting and worried about what's next for me to deal with.

What ?

It's like Keith finished his 40 days and 40 nights and the very next day he was drunk as a skunk again. Of course it was the day I had planned for us to go to the Great Entrepreneur Minds party. . . given him almost two weeks notice. And it would have been a perfect time for him to kick start the whole STARS thing. I was really nervous about going and even spoke to him about who was going to be there and what I wanted to get done with them. He was clear and supportive asking me about things ahead of time. But for him to get drunk right before we left was just like spitting in my face. I wasn't really sure what to do.

So what happened?

I got in the car excited that he let me drive the car he's been using from Christine and I noticed from his slurred words that he was drunk. I really just wanted to turn around and go back home. But he always says he does better when he's drunk. . . . lol. . . . Like every alcoholic always says. So we got there. I avoided the people at the entrance because the class teacher was there talking with a bunch of people. I got some water and listened to him slur words and repeat himself while dropping peanuts and scuffing up the floor.

Obviously, I avoided any further conversations with him. But I spoke to a lot of other people and made some good contacts. Nothing I followed up on yet. But there was a light of something positive through it all and I almost feel like I should thank him now since I likely wouldn't have gone if he wasn't here. Like I don't need to use him as a crutch, sorta like he doesn't need to use alcohol as a crutch.

What else has he gotten you to do?

I guess I've gone out and done karioke a few times, where I'm singing in front of people. I kinda liked it, but haven't figured out how my voice works yet. I'm really deep at church but sang really high there. I know I need to try that some more and work on it. I need to work on alot of things I guess.

What ?

I don't know, I really tired of getting used. I feel like everyone has been using me. Here at school in class today and also Friday. I don't even want to think about my house and bikes and all that have been getting destroyed. I told Keith to get out by Christmas, but it will take me a full month working to get everything cleaned up and civilized again after he leaves. Then even Chuck who borrowed a few DVD's from me has had them for over 6 months. And I wont even talk about the situation with my kids or the treehouse. I mean why waste the breath. . . putting good air after bad air. . . . lol. . .

I guess Jiwan called me yesterday. But she's pretended like nothing happened at all. Sure set me up out in the fire to bake and oh did something happen? Where do I find friends like this? I mean would anyone normal allow guests to get drunk and destroy their house . . . . no rent, no responsibilities and a minor doing drugs there too. I never should have let him in, and when he bought a TV that should have been the end!

Shit my own kids never watched TV for years. THANK GOD!!! They learned how to read and think instead of cheat and manipulate. Course then they were forced to do worse anyway.

What else?

Oh give me a break, I'm not really interested in just complaining all day. . .

Oh good, so whatelse do you need to do?

I know there is always volumes of shit I need to do. And I'm so tired of always having more and more to do. So I'll get busy with it now... Happy?